A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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