I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
