R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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