I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize