can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
