I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
