im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
