Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
