Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
