I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
