The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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