I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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