So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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