forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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