Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize