Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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