his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
