Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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