There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
