All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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