She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
