I can't watch pbs sober anymore
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
