Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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