i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
