its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
