The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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