her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
