My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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