You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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