I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
