She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
