the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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