ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
