Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
