I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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