if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
