glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Come on in and take your pants off
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