eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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