Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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