peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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