not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just invented taco cereal.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
