please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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