ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
