Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
