He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
