I wish I could teleport
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
