I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
