At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
