I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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