woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
