You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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