Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
