you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
