he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We had to coat check the pizza.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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