I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
