I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
