Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
